Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right

*Mitch Hedberg*

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause

*Mitch Hedberg*

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

*Mitch Hedberg*

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

*Mitch Hedberg*

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible

*Mitch Hedberg*

There are always "Before" pictures and "After" pictures.... why are there no "During" pictures

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen

*Mitch Hedberg*

My Lucky Number Is 4 Billion, That Doesn't Come In Handy When You're Gambling..." Come On Lucky 4 Billion....Crap 7... I Need More Dice"

*Mitch Hedberg

I Don't Have A Boyfriend....But I Know A Guy That Would Get Mad At Me For Saying That

I use the word 'totally' too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly

*Mitch Hedberg*