Do You Enjoy Seeing Me Hurt, Cause It Seems That's The Only Time You're Ever Around

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly...

*Mitch Hedberg*

I wanna b a race car passenger: just to bug the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."

*Mitch Hedberg*

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky

*Mitch Hedberg*

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed

*Mitch Hedberg*

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy

*Mitch Hedberg*

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

*Mitch Hedberg*

I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!

*Mitch Hedberg*

I Know You Well Enough To Know You Never Loved Me

*Brandi*

...in every single letter, in every single word, there will be a hidden message about a boy that loves a girl..