Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right

*Mitch Hedberg*

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause

*Mitch Hedberg*

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

*Mitch Hedberg*

Time Flies When You're Anticipating Death

*Brandi*

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates, You Never Know When It's Gonna Melt And Spill Onto The Ground.

*Brandi*

I use the word 'totally' too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly

*Mitch Hedberg*

I Don't Have A Boyfriend....But I Know A Guy That Would Get Mad At Me For Saying That

My Lucky Number Is 4 Billion, That Doesn't Come In Handy When You're Gambling..." Come On Lucky 4 Billion....Crap 7... I Need More Dice"

*Mitch Hedberg

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen

*Mitch Hedberg*

There are always "Before" pictures and "After" pictures.... why are there no "During" pictures