If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible

*Mitch Hedberg*

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

*Mitch Hedberg*

What's a girl to do? All the nice guys are UGLY...all the hott guys are MEAN...and all the *nice* AND *hott* guys are GAY!