Do You Enjoy Seeing Me Hurt, Cause It Seems That's The Only Time You're Ever Around

Time Flies When You're Anticipating Death

*Brandi*

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates, You Never Know When It's Gonna Melt And Spill Onto The Ground.

*Brandi*

I use the word 'totally' too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly

*Mitch Hedberg*

I Don't Have A Boyfriend....But I Know A Guy That Would Get Mad At Me For Saying That

My Lucky Number Is 4 Billion, That Doesn't Come In Handy When You're Gambling..." Come On Lucky 4 Billion....Crap 7... I Need More Dice"

*Mitch Hedberg

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen

*Mitch Hedberg*

There are always "Before" pictures and "After" pictures.... why are there no "During" pictures

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible

*Mitch Hedberg*

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

*Mitch Hedberg*