I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

*Mitch Hedberg*

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause

*Mitch Hedberg*

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right

*Mitch Hedberg*

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly...

*Mitch Hedberg*

I wanna b a race car passenger: just to bug the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."

*Mitch Hedberg*

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky

*Mitch Hedberg*

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed

*Mitch Hedberg*

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy

*Mitch Hedberg*

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

*Mitch Hedberg*

I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!

*Mitch Hedberg*