"You are a unique individual--just like everybody else."

"School is that everyday torture of our bodies, our brains, and our souls. By the time we graduate we'll all need exorcisms..."

"The truth is like anal sex-- it hurts no matter how big it is..."

"When life gives you lemons, make grape juice; then sit back and watch the world try to figure out how you pulled this one off."

"Don't stick your finger in your hole and it won't hurt."