People who say "no news is bad news" clearly don't watch the same news as me.

Afghanistan: it's a bit like playing pool with no pockets. You can argue the rules, battle as much as you like, but no one's ever going to win. Best to take your balls off the table and play something else.

If you can't forget things when you're drunk, sorrywhatcan't I?

They say "Youth is for the young", but there's so much more old age about these days you can now also see that "old is for everyone over 25" thanks to celeb culture.

I think life is lived too fast to be able to see the middle for a mid-life crisis, so we just spread the crises out over our tax-paying years. Especially the bit where the kids are still at home.

What's Barry Manilow's favourite snake?
Copacabanaconda.

Never be ashamed of the person you are. Other people will do that for you.

21st Century: It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter Heaven, thanks to genetic research on camel size, structurally engineering massive needles, and the likes of Billy Graham.

Morally speaking, I would be against abortion. But over the years I have met too many people who are a case for it.

It's a sad fact of society that you can be jailbait and a MILF at the same time.