We've been paying tax on our savings and income, and now the banks are in trouble government want to use our taxes to save the banks. Doesn't that sort of suggest the banks owe us a tax rebate? $700 000 000 says we never see one.

Steak is something which has clearly died for my sins, and should therefore be utterly worshipped. With roasted potatoes and a good gravy.

If God truly exists, why doesn't he move testicles under our armpits? We'd save a fortune on deodorant and soap, never mind the more obvious protection.

An atheist is more likely to preach tolerance than someone with a god. Someone with a god is never likely to preach tolerance of atheism.

The days you live the most are not always the days you enjoy the most. The days you learn the most are not always the days you listen the most.

If only you know there are stepping stones just below the surface, you too can walk on water and live forever in the hearts and minds of others. Look a bit deeper when you think you're drowning.

Some people with nothing to do will sit and do nothing. Some people with nothing to do will find something to do. But rarely will you find someone with something to do that doesn't think they're one or the other of the aforementioned.

When you know you're getting old: One minute you're wearing a jumper because it's fashionally acceptable and then suddenly you're wearing one because it's warm. And it's brown.

If we disovered gold on Mars, it would be colonized within a year.

You know you're getting old when you stop worry if you're hip, and worry if your hip is going to last.