Am I the only person who can put ten pairs of socks in the washing machine, only to return later and find there are just seven individual socks in it, none of which match?

I tried to contact the spirit world last night. I managed it, but all I got was a stream of obscenities and profanity in a thick Scottish dailect. That's the last time I use a Glaswiija board.

Q: Why did the gold bars get expelled from school?

A: Bullion!

Naturism is to society what alcohol is to driving.

My son refers to farts as "food ghosts".

Energy is getting so expensive that soon it will be cheaper to employ people rather than use robots to build the cars that no one wants powered by fuels that no one can afford. I'll be marketing sails for push bikes.

We've been paying tax on our savings and income, and now the banks are in trouble government want to use our taxes to save the banks. Doesn't that sort of suggest the banks owe us a tax rebate? $700 000 000 says we never see one.

It's a sad fact of society that you can be jailbait and a MILF at the same time.

Morally speaking, I would be against abortion. But over the years I have met too many people who are a case for it.

21st Century: It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter Heaven, thanks to genetic research on camel size, structurally engineering massive needles, and the likes of Billy Graham.