People who say "no news is bad news" clearly don't watch the same news as me.

What's Barry Manilow's favourite snake?
Copacabanaconda.

I think life is lived too fast to be able to see the middle for a mid-life crisis, so we just spread the crises out over our tax-paying years. Especially the bit where the kids are still at home.

They say "Youth is for the young", but there's so much more old age about these days you can now also see that "old is for everyone over 25" thanks to celeb culture.

If you can't forget things when you're drunk, sorrywhatcan't I?

Steak is something which has clearly died for my sins, and should therefore be utterly worshipped. With roasted potatoes and a good gravy.

If God truly exists, why doesn't he move testicles under our armpits? We'd save a fortune on deodorant and soap, never mind the more obvious protection.

The only difference between banks and loan sharks is the state of your knees.

Every second we waste laughing at each other is no second wasted at all. Happiness is not knowing the bucket's behind you.

The path to God is littered with religion.