And now I can feel the fear crepping up. I feel it in my stomach, churrning and making me sick.

I want it to be real and I want it to last, but I believe, in the end, it won't.

Its as if I feel like I don't deserve to be happy., like everyone deserves happiness, just not me.

I do this to everything. I anilize every little detail and drive my self insane. I think and think until my head hurts. I pick apart every little good, positive thing that happens to me. I always do that. It's one of my greatest vices.

I feel the tears, but don't let them fall, can't let them fall. Its like if I do, I've really lost.

I wish I could hold my self togeather; I wish I could hold my self up, but I just can't seem to do it. I keep this kind of stuff to my self when I shouldn't. I have that habit.

Every bad thing that has happened to me haunts my heart. I have wounds and scars on my soul that won't seem to heal or fade. They remain there, pink or bleeding. No one has been able to heal them. I doubt most of my friends see them.

I've been told to forget the past, but that's easier said than done. Its always easier said than done. Its not easy, especially with a past as dark and painful as mine.

The bad thing is, I have always believed if I was gone from this world, that I'd be alot better off. I won't feel, I won't cry. Their would be no fear, no heartbreak. Nothing and nothingness and numbness sounds very good right now.Very good indead.

Its always easier to just hide, to just curl up in a tiny ball and cry. Its easier to just hide and not trust. Its easier to just not love and not to open up to people.