And now I can feel the fear crepping up. I feel it in my stomach, churrning and making me sick.

I made my self into a loner. I push and push until I shove everyone I need to be with me away. I close up and hide. It works, in a way. It keeps me safe, for a time. I'm never really safe.

The person I need to hide from most is always with me. I can't run from my self, though I try. I'm running in circles in my mind and I'm getting dizzy. Soon I'll crash and if its left up to me, no one will be there to catch me or pick me back up.

I've kept my heart hidden for so long, its still tender, it still hurts. Maybe one day I'll let someone in.

As much as I want them to know me, as much as I want to let them in, my instincts override my heart. I've given over to them to keep my heart safe, but now I think I'm numb.

I keep up that shell, and hide behind it. Everyone see the smiling and laughing me. Everyone sees the fake. The copy that lives for me, if “live” is a word you can use to describe it. Not even my closest friends see through it.

I can't live. I don't live. I merely exist. I'm not real. I'm not even here anymore.

I don't want to admit feelings for people anymore. I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to be anymore. I want to cut and carve and let my blood flow. I want to let the life drain out of my body like it has my heart.

I want to see that pretty blue vain under that white skin be cut in two. I want to see that dark red blood stain my fingers and arms. I want to leave scars of my pain. I want the scars of my heart and soul on my skin for all to see.

I've been alone for so long, I need to find out how to let people in. Not alone in the sense that no one was there, its in the sense that I'm in the middle of a crowd and I still feel alone.