I made my self into a loner. I push and push until I shove everyone I need to be with me away. I close up and hide. It works, in a way. It keeps me safe, for a time. I'm never really safe.

I've been alone for so long, I need to find out how to let people in. Not alone in the sense that no one was there, its in the sense that I'm in the middle of a crowd and I still feel alone.

I feel like screaming just to see if I will be heard. I wonder if anyone will come running. If they see me crying, will they hold me, or just pass me by? I never really had someone hold me when I cried. I guess no one ever really wanted to.

Its always easier to just hide, to just curl up in a tiny ball and cry. Its easier to just hide and not trust. Its easier to just not love and not to open up to people.

The bad thing is, I have always believed if I was gone from this world, that I'd be alot better off. I won't feel, I won't cry. Their would be no fear, no heartbreak. Nothing and nothingness and numbness sounds very good right now.Very good indead.

I've been told to forget the past, but that's easier said than done. Its always easier said than done. Its not easy, especially with a past as dark and painful as mine.

Every bad thing that has happened to me haunts my heart. I have wounds and scars on my soul that won't seem to heal or fade. They remain there, pink or bleeding. No one has been able to heal them. I doubt most of my friends see them.

I wish I could hold my self togeather; I wish I could hold my self up, but I just can't seem to do it. I keep this kind of stuff to my self when I shouldn't. I have that habit.

I feel the tears, but don't let them fall, can't let them fall. Its like if I do, I've really lost.

I do this to everything. I anilize every little detail and drive my self insane. I think and think until my head hurts. I pick apart every little good, positive thing that happens to me. I always do that. It's one of my greatest vices.