The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

-Mark Twain

Bush is retarded.

Dude: Knock, knock.
Blonde Chick: Who's there?
Dude: Nobody.
Blonde Chick: Nobody who?
Dude: ...
Blonde Chick: Nobody who?!
Dude: ...
Blonde Chick: Where did you go?!?!

Monkeyman: I can't believe you ate a baby.
fat guy: I was hungry.
monkeyman: well, that's just cause you're a fat ho.
fat guy: well, you're still a monkey.

Will skate for food.

Words only hurt if you let them.

Life isn't about pissin off people who make fun of you, makin wars, makin stupid desicions that you'll never learn from and hate.
Life is about understandin people who reject you, makin babies, makin mistakes that you'll learn from, and love.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b!+ch.

--Jack Nicholson

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

--Rodney Dangerfield

You know "that look" women get when they want sex?

Me neither.
--Steve Martin