My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the Hell's really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too litteral for me.

When I'm not in my right mind my left mind gets pretty crowded.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.