People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.