My girldfriend said, "I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?"
I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."

I went to the hardware shop. I said, "This riding lawnmower is stupid."
They said, "Next time, you get on top."

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

People come up to me and say, "do people really come up to you?"

I went into Gus'es artificial organ and taco stand, said, "Give me a bladder por favor."
The guy said "Is that to go?"
I said, "Well, what else would I want it for?"

I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications!"

When I was little I used to lay in my twin sized bed at night, wondering where my brother was.

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.