I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring

My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower, does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some freaky quiz where he reveals the answer first.

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later

I had this parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry." So it died

PT 2
I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done"

I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open.
PT 1

Part 2 This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is AKA. a hallway. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware. Do not decorate it."

I have a 2bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "Screw you, real estate lady!
Part 1

My fan goes back and forth.It looks like its saying. No.So I ask it questions that a fan would say no to.Do you keep my hair in place?Do you keep my papers in order?Do you have 3 settings?Liar!My fan lied to me.I'll pull the pin up.Now you can't lie.

I don't have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I'd buy a "baby naming book". Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.