I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.

Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as Hell. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, crap! I thought I looked like that rock!"

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."

I saw a Lola on TV, she was born without arms. thats sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse. she has no arms, and doesn't understand simple contractions.

I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it'd be a jacket

I'm sick of Soup of the Day, it's time we made a decision. I wanna know what the Hell 'Soup From Now On' is.

That'd be funny if you were a drummer, and you grabbed two magical wands instead of drumsticks. You're pounding out the beat "1-2-3-4 Oh s***, my Bass Player's now a can of soup... Sorry Rick, I mean Cream of Mushroom!

I saw a dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him "Dude, you're a cow. The metamorphasis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over."

I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube