This is what my friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like,"Dude. you have to give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you have to insert a pause."

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, "A truck!"

I'm an Athiest... But not a hardcore one, thank God.

I used to think being so lazy was wrong... So I stopped thinking.

Man, never get high before a test. Because it will backfire. I did that once.. Big mistake. I wrote a huge essay on the anatomy of a frog. The teacher said it would have gotten full points. If it hadn't been a Math test.

I saw this really fat man on TV one day. I made a rude comment and my friend told me beauty was only skin deep. Well, it would be a long search for that guy.

Girls who take steroids can't have kids. It messes them up, and makes it impossible. Plus, they're not the best looking things in the world.

Have you ever wished you could be someone else, if only for a day? I think I'd be Periz Hilton. I would climb to the top of a building and jump off.

I saw this girl... And she obviously didn't shave her pits. I mean, man, it was like a jungle. Imagine when she sweats? She could just ring it out. "What Timmy? You're thristy? Come here. Save some for the cat."