In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.

Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as Hell. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, crap! I thought I looked like that rock!"

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

I don't have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I'd buy a "baby naming book". Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

My fan goes back and forth.It looks like its saying. No.So I ask it questions that a fan would say no to.Do you keep my hair in place?Do you keep my papers in order?Do you have 3 settings?Liar!My fan lied to me.I'll pull the pin up.Now you can't lie.

I have a 2bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "Screw you, real estate lady!
Part 1

Part 2 This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is AKA. a hallway. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware. Do not decorate it."