I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open.
PT 1

PT 2
I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done"

I had this parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry." So it died

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later

My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower, does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some freaky quiz where he reveals the answer first.

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load crap into a truck

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."

I saw a Lola on TV, she was born without arms. thats sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse. she has no arms, and doesn't understand simple contractions.

I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it'd be a jacket