My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion! CRAP! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six, at least."

My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and the koalas scatter. I'm like, come back! I want to hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.

I got an ant farm... them 'fellas didn't grow s***.

Alcoholism is a disease but it's the only the disease you can get yelled at for having. Damnit Otto you're an alcoholic. Damnit Otto you have lupus. One of these doesn't sound right.

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

When I was little I used to lay in my twin sized bed at night, wondering where my brother was.

I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications!"

I went into Gus'es artificial organ and taco stand, said, "Give me a bladder por favor."
The guy said "Is that to go?"
I said, "Well, what else would I want it for?"

People come up to me and say, "do people really come up to you?"