I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

I went to the hardware shop. I said, "This riding lawnmower is stupid."
They said, "Next time, you get on top."

I want to work at a fast food joint... Just to be a smart a**. I would work at the window.. And someone would be like "Can I have a whopper?" and I would tell them "No."

Back in my day, I would have to walk to school in the snow. And the snow was 6 feet high, and I was only 3 feet. And sometimes there was ice. And I would just pray that it didn't defrost.. Because there was piranhas in there...

Have you ever layed on your bed... And looked up at the stars and wonder to yourself... Where the Hell is the roof...?

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio...

Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as we think.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Coffee isn't my cup of tea.

Even as a kid, I was a little s***. The teacher would ask us "Who do you want to be like when you grow up?"
I would tell her "No one, I want to be like me."
The pink time-out chair and I were well aquainted.