I got into a fight with this big guy. He said to me "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
"You wouldn't want to do that."
"Yeah, why not?"
"Well, you won't be able to get the corners very well."

I was hopping from bar stool to bar stool last night hoping to get lucky. But there wasn't gum under any of them.

I went to the gas station the other day. The attendent asked me "Regular?". I replied "No, I want you to dress up in a gorilla suit and dance like a fairy."

I was walking down the street the other day and something caught my eye. And dragged it 15 feet.

We were put on this earth to PROTECT IT not DESTROY IT!

Hey c'mon.. You know all you need to be a doctor is the ability to ryhme like a three year old. I mean, Dr.Seus did it.

"Only after disaster can we be resurrected."

"This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time."

Me: A boiled egg is hard to beat in the morning....
Friend: Ah.. ew Joey...

Please don't let me burn alive, it's in the cold dark places I thrive.