Somebody left me a compliment on my driving the other day. They left me a little note that said "Parking Fine."

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."

The other day, I shot an emu in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know..

When everything's coming your way, I think you might be in the wrong lane.

They say the pen is mightier then the sword.. But I bet they never noticed, it's considerably easier to write with as well.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet

Never fear! Disasterpiece is here!
Though I'm beginning to think that's the reason you have fear in the first place...

I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid back company, so they just said "Screw it, cut em up!"

Here in my web of dreams; my whispers turn to screams.

Hey c'mon.. You know all you need to be a doctor is the ability to ryhme like a three year old. I mean, Dr.Seus did it.