We were put on this earth to PROTECT IT not DESTROY IT!

I was walking down the street the other day and something caught my eye. And dragged it 15 feet.

I went to the gas station the other day. The attendent asked me "Regular?". I replied "No, I want you to dress up in a gorilla suit and dance like a fairy."

I was hopping from bar stool to bar stool last night hoping to get lucky. But there wasn't gum under any of them.

I got into a fight with this big guy. He said to me "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
"You wouldn't want to do that."
"Yeah, why not?"
"Well, you won't be able to get the corners very well."

I like to go to the playgroud and watch the little children yell and jump up and down. They don't know I'm only firing blanks.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.