I had a dream last night... I was eating a huge marshmellow.. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.....

Somebody left me a compliment on my driving the other day. They left me a little note that said "Parking Fine."

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."

The other day, I shot an emu in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know..

When everything's coming your way, I think you might be in the wrong lane.

They say the pen is mightier then the sword.. But I bet they never noticed, it's considerably easier to write with as well.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The magician and the politician have much in common: they both have to draw our attention away from what they are really doing.

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.