I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.