People come up to me and say, "do people really come up to you?"

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

I went to the hardware shop. I said, "This riding lawnmower is stupid."
They said, "Next time, you get on top."

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?"
I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."

My girldfriend said, "I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."

Well, the next day I caught her in bed with this other guy. I was crushed. I said, "Get off me, you two!"

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, "A truck!"

I'm an Athiest... But not a hardcore one, thank God.

I used to think being so lazy was wrong... So I stopped thinking.