Some people give me a weird look and ask "Are you high on crack?". I say "Pfft, crack kills... Peace, love and pot!"

The sight of coffins often breaks people's hearts, especially when the coffins are tiny.

When I burp, I don't say "excuse me", I say "DAYUM!"

I forgot the baby Jesus, but I have a plate of cheeses!

That's not a terroristic threat, that's a terroristic PROMISE!

Do all the push-ups you want. That won't fix your face problem.

I will hunt you down like the dog you are.

No expectations, no disappointments.

I can't help you right now, my legs are in the air.

Teacher: Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?!
Me: No, just guys that I wanna call "daddy".