You can wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one gets filled first.

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?

It's strange, you stand in the middle of a library and yell 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.

I accidentally rear ended a car at a stoplight.
The driver, a midget, got out and yelled at me, "I'm not happy"
I leaned down and replied, "Well then, which one are you?"

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

Remembers when corduroy pillows were invented. They sure made headlines.

Outside of a dog, a good book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajitas, 'cause that's what he's getting.

Finally i understands that a woman always gets the last word in an argument. Anything said after that is the start of a new argument.

Well, officer, he said 'Piss in the cup.' I said 'Shit in your hat!' ... and that's how the fight started.