The severity of the knot in the tie of your sweatpants is directly proportional to your need to pee.

If you line all the economists in the world end-to-end, they still wouldn't reach a conclusion.

Sometimes I get the feeling that the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

Some people are like Slinkies. They're pretty useless, but its still fun to watch them tumble down the stairs.

Could someone get addicted to counseling? And if so, how would you treat them?

"If you haven't made at least three people smile today, then you are taking your life way to seriously."

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand

Drive carefully, 90% of people are accidents.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

When life gives you lemons, bust out the tequila and salt