Those who are meant to be together embrace it all the way, and those destined to be together either cherish it or avoid it everyday

Well, officer, he said 'Piss in the cup.' I said 'Shit in your hat!' ... and that's how the fight started.

Finally i understands that a woman always gets the last word in an argument. Anything said after that is the start of a new argument.

If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajitas, 'cause that's what he's getting.

Outside of a dog, a good book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Remembers when corduroy pillows were invented. They sure made headlines.

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

I accidentally rear ended a car at a stoplight.
The driver, a midget, got out and yelled at me, "I'm not happy"
I leaned down and replied, "Well then, which one are you?"

It's strange, you stand in the middle of a library and yell 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?