The severity of the knot in the tie of your sweatpants is directly proportional to your need to pee.

If you line all the economists in the world end-to-end, they still wouldn't reach a conclusion.

Sometimes I get the feeling that the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

When you are loved by someone be sure to return the favor

The worst feeling in the world is loving someone and that someone not loving you back

When life gives you lemons, bust out the tequila and salt

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Drive carefully, 90% of people are accidents.

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand

"If you haven't made at least three people smile today, then you are taking your life way to seriously."