Sometimes I get the feeling that the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

If you line all the economists in the world end-to-end, they still wouldn't reach a conclusion.

The severity of the knot in the tie of your sweatpants is directly proportional to your need to pee.

Well, officer, he said 'Piss in the cup.' I said 'Shit in your hat!' ... and that's how the fight started.

Finally i understands that a woman always gets the last word in an argument. Anything said after that is the start of a new argument.

If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajitas, 'cause that's what he's getting.

Outside of a dog, a good book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Remembers when corduroy pillows were invented. They sure made headlines.

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

I accidentally rear ended a car at a stoplight.
The driver, a midget, got out and yelled at me, "I'm not happy"
I leaned down and replied, "Well then, which one are you?"