So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

I have Skittles in my mouth, wanna taste the rainbow?

Bipolar patients with grandiose delusions are essentially high on themselves.

It's like I was chasing after you and I really, really wanted to catch you. But now I realize if you wanted to be caught, you would have stopped running.

There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.

I don't leave much room in my future for people who left me in their past.

I'm not going to cry and I'm not going to care, 'cause every time I did it got me nowhere. So if silence makes you happy and being with him makes you glad, then goodbye. I hope he's the worst you ever had.

Boobs: because you can't suck on a girls personality.

Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn't enough.