If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I'd spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

Just remember that I tried and you didn't.

"Was that lightning?" No no.... they're taking pictures for Google Earth..

Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he's a keeper.

Do you want a medal or a chest to pin it on?

Your knowledge of wine is almost as impressive as your use of it to disguise your drinking problem.

Our relationship has about the same chance surviving as a snowball in hell. Unless you make an effort to remove the polar icecap shoved up your as*.

Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"

She's so far out of my league she's playing for the other team.

Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.