Someone told me I was too cute to be single so I told them they were too dumb to be giving advice.

Finding love is easy if you realize it's an abstract concept.

A girl just wants to be told you miss her and want her.....50 times a day.

Push your boundaries or settle for your limitations.

Nothing faster than the speed of light? That's a lie. Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from a pic that makes her look fat.

I'm not saying you're ugly, I just can't believe that anyone had sex with you on purpose.

I'm not telling you how to think, just politely asking you to occasionally perform the activity. :/

George W. Bush named The Very Hungry Caterpillar as his favorite childhood book. It was published when he was in his 20s

My ex just called me and wants to meet up she said , "We should hang out to and just go crazy " Me - " I can't , and besides you already have a headstart " ... She hung up on me

"I wasn't that drunk" Dude you threw a sock at a midget and screamed "Dobby be free!"