Dude, not everyone getting gas at the Chevron needs to hear 10 minutes of Lil' Boosie at 85 decibels with your windows down while you're inside waiting in line to buy your Red Bull and Slim Jim.

Hostage or not, sometimes it's just nice to be held.

Hey girl, are you calculus? Because you're hard to understand and seem pretty useless in the greater scope of my life goals.

"I wasn't that drunk!" Dude, you held up my cat in the air and started singing The Circle of Life!

You had me at 0 mutual friends.

Whenever I take a girl out on a first date I always shake her hand with my left hand because I don't want her to meet her competition just yet.

LOL @ the dude buying condoms and getting his card declined. He just got cokc blocked by Visa!

My new girlfriend is taking forever to exist.

At Dairy Queen: Me: Medium Oreo Blizzard please. DQ: You wanna spoon? Me: Sure, when do you get off?

Twitter = Unfollow. Facebook = Unfriend. You = Unforgettable.