Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait.

I've been single for a while and I have to say, it's going very well. Like... It's working out. I think I'm the one.

The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.

No you didn't have to stoop so low. Have your friends collect your records and then change your number.
I guess that I don't need that though. Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

Some days you're the Titanic, some days you're the iceberg, and some days you're the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

Bored, so I'm going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I'm him from the future.

Sleeping alone is better than sharing your bed with someone who shares a bed with someone else when you're not around.

That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can't figure out which one the music is coming from. FML

A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?

If you treat a woman like a queen, and she treats you like a jester, your princess is in another castle.