Most stoners seem like they're not too bright. But ask them about weed and they turn into a walking Wikipedia.

My ex just called me and wants to meet up she said , "We should hang out to and just go crazy " Me - " I can't , and besides you already have a headstart " ... She hung up on me

"I wasn't that drunk" Dude you threw a sock at a midget and screamed "Dobby be free!"

Dude, not everyone getting gas at the Chevron needs to hear 10 minutes of Lil' Boosie at 85 decibels with your windows down while you're inside waiting in line to buy your Red Bull and Slim Jim.

Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl's whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.

Teens, you should not be getting drunk. You're annoying enough as it is.

I just high-fived a Jedi. Ok, it was an Ewok. Or a midget. I just slapped a kid in the head. Whatever. I wish I knew a Jedi.

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java. He hates me.

The problem with the world today is that the smart people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.

My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.