Twitter = Unfollow. Facebook = Unfriend. You = Unforgettable.

At Dairy Queen: Me: Medium Oreo Blizzard please. DQ: You wanna spoon? Me: Sure, when do you get off?

LOL @ the dude buying condoms and getting his card declined. He just got cokc blocked by Visa!

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni... That folks, is what drugs do to you.

WARNING, Do not smoke near gas pumps! Your life may not be worth much, but gas is!

Regardless of your age, 10 years from now you'll want to relive your present age for one of two reasons: 1. It was awesome. 2. You wasted it.

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Mustang and banged all the cheerleaders? I'm the reason he passed calculus.

This girl tweeted at me to DM her. What a weirdo, how am I supposed to Dungeon Master her?

Wow, I've been on the No Sugar Diet for one day and have already lost ... my will to live.

Relationship status : Taken (for granted)