"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

Lesson learned: toddlers don't understand sarcasm. As a side note, don't say 'bite me' around toddlers that don't understand sarcasm.

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

Why is the speed limit in a school zone 15 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles.

Fox News: Fair like cancer, balanced like Louis XV

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "an@l" in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

The cashier at the store told me to have a good day like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.

Don't be stupid, if their ex is still calling its because they're still getting an answer.

When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That'd be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.