Money not buying you happiness? Wire it into my account and I'll send you pictures of how happy it makes me. Problem solved.

I know I am an acquired taste. If you don't like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go fcuk yourself. Whichever.

Eventually the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphs.

Balloons are so weird... "Happy birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath."

I'm pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.

Distance means so little when someone means so much.

Why is it that in tampon commercials they're always laughing and dancing? Shouldn't they be revving chainsaws & burning sh!t down?

To the lady with 6 screaming kids, at the store. If you're wondering how a box of condoms got in your basket, you're welcome. ;)

Hey I just met you, and girl you look crazy, what brands your make-up, Crayola maybe?

DAD: Wanna Hear A Joke Son? SON: Yes DAD: Pussy SON: I Don't Get It... DAD: EXACTLY!