I have some good news and some bad news; good news is it is not your fault, bad news stupidity is genetic and you will always be that way.

What is the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you.

A pretty girl can kiss a guy.

A bird can kiss a butterfly.

The rising sun can kiss the grass.

But you my friend, can kiss my as*!!!!

Facebook's timeline is my favorite way to watch girls from high school get fat.

I have many talents, but giving a fcuk is not one of them.

I swear I'll do anything that I have to
Till I forget about you

Are you a kleptomaniac-or did you steal my heart on purpose?

Me: How are you feeling today?
Her: Fine.
Me: I asked how you were feeling, not how you looked.

Yes, I'm single. And you have to be amazing to change that.

Treat me like a joke, and I'll leave you like it's funny.