New condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she's going to get your paychecks.

Yes, we did share a lot of chemistry, but that was before the lab blew up.

I am intoxicated by the feelings that I fantasize you feel for me.

Okay, what does this dress say to you? Uh...beware of crazy ladies who talk to dresses?

Say this out loud five times fast! 'I won a math debate.'

You traded your iPhone 4 for an extra inch? Hope your girlfriend doesn't do the same.

Dear Dora, how in the hell did do you get that tiny shirt to fit over your big head...Sincerely, thats physically impossible!

A strong woman is one who is able to smile this morning like she wasn't crying last night.

Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.

It's so cold out this morning I seen two gang bangers with their pants pulled up.