Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you're nuts.

I own beach front property in the friend-zone.

When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his dikc ... maybe squint a little bit

Bragging that you "stole" a girl from another dude is only admitting that you are now dating a girl capable of being "stolen".

Size does matter-just ask Pluto.

Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

I think pet shops should give a free laser pointer with every cat purchase.

I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs.