Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

Depresso; the feeling you get when you've run out of coffee.

I've spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she's a woodpecker.

Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say the name of the person you love 3 times, you will look really stupid doing that.

Why do porn sites have a 'Share to Facebook' button? Who watches porn and thinks, 'You know who'd really enjoy this? My family and friends.'

A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that

It's better to have your heart broken once by walking away then to stay and have it broken over and over again.

Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody's pants.

Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.

Valentines Day = Single Awareness Day